Monday, April 15, 2013

looking back at my four years in la


4 years ago today, my parents watched me pull out of the garage with my car packed of my belongings as I set off on a new adventure in my life.  The rain was coming down hard and I picked up my friends John Roman and Amy Salzman who made the 2,596 mile drive with only stopping for one night’s of rest (6 hours).

These four years have been the quickest, busiest, full of knowledge, depressing, crazy, emotional years of my life. I am very thrilled with how everything has turned out and wouldn’t change a thing. There were times when offers in New York and Cleveland almost change my career path, but I am confident I am exactly where I need to be. Some of my proudest moments include:

  • Working at Transition Entertainment and producing a short format show on the Disney Channel (over 20 episodes) before the age of 23.
  • Line producing a pilot and completely managing the production with bigger name talent/crew on my own at the age of 25.
  • Working for Aaron Sims, a true artist talent/guru and learning development and more in-depth preproduction process.
  • Getting hired at A&E to learn the network side and continue to learn all sides of the industry so I can be well rounded and know exactly where I will like to work in the next few years.
  • Produced a music video that aired on MTV and LOGO all on my own at the age of 22.


I hate to try to boast about my accomplishments as I am very modest, but to see them in writing is motivating and continues to push me to achieve more and more. The one thing I’ve learned in the past few months is to embrace myself, stay true to myself and learn to be receptive and open to the feeling of fulfillment and pride.

The friends I’ve made in California are truly the best. I’ve made completely new friends and continued friendships I had from Ohio. Each friend I have has helped me in their own respect and I thank each of you for that, for helping me become the person I am today. I fell in love and had my heart broken twice. I am oddly so grateful for each both relationships as it has helped me realize the person I am, how I act in moments of complete despair and what type of relationship I need to seek out going forward.

I’ve traveled a shit ton over the past 4 years. I’ve been home to Cleveland over 12 times, been to Phoenix a handful of times, Sedona, Lake Havasu, Las Vegas (not enough), Hawaii, Seattle, Mexico, New York, San Francisco, San Diego, Yosemite, Joshua Tree, Santa Barbara, Big Sur, Upper Kern River for white water rafting and the Great Sequoia National park. I cannot wait to start adventuring outside of the US as well to Italy and other countries around the world. Other notable experiences:

  •  I met Alanis Morissettte
  • Got my first tattoo with Sarah.
  • Helped raise Dexter and quickly learned I am not ready for a dog
  • Seeing both cassie and evan the first night they moved to LA and sharing a very mutual, huge smile
  • Sitting in my car at Mulholland drive, overlooking the city, surrounded in my own thoughts and excitement about life.


When I first moved to LA I did a lot of clubbing, partying, after parties, etc. I am glad I went through that very quickly to get it out of my system. It was a rite of passage to help me mature and stay focused on why I moved to LA. Because a good party only lasts a night, but staying focused on your PA job will open lots of doors. That’s not to say I didn’t show up hungover multiple times to work, but I still showed up.

I’m very excited to see where the next four years take me, and how I will feel when I look back and read this blog post, and the multiple songs/lyrics that I have written. I am big on self-therapy, embracing our journeys and witnessing our own self evolution. The biggest struggle that will never go away is being so far from my family and friends. But knowing I have their full support encourages me to stay to continue to follow my dreams. A dream turned to reality thanks to my amazing parents. Here’s to the next four years.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

something mutual

I'm known to give, give without cause
It's in my heart to share, willfully
To put others first, unabashedly

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness
My persona is not my downfall
My only weakness was you and now I

I'm craving something mutual
I beg for the consensual
Cause this one way road I've traveled
Has gotten me no where

I can't help but submit, submit happily
It's in my blood to nurture, graciously
Engraved in my nature, to help unselfishly

But don't mistake my kindness for weakness
My outlook is not my downfall
My only weakness was you and now I

I'm craving something mutual
I beg for the consensual
This one way road I've traveled
Has gotten me no where

It's time to sharpen the blade
This dull edge has only hurt me
It's time to search and receive
Some fucking generosity
I yearn for some generosity

I'm craving something mutual
I beg for the consensual
This one way road I've traveled
Has gotten me no where

I need something neutral
I pray for the unusual
Cause this one way road I've traveled
Has gotten me no where

Thursday, April 4, 2013

rejuvenized


I feel revived, rejuvenized
So alive, as I fantasize
No more fights, no anxiety
This liberating sobriety

My minds free, of the analyze
Not just me, who will compromise
And I see, what they’ve realized
It’s time to not be victimized

This freeing, I’m feeling…
(Ohh, ohh, ohhhh)

I won’t let you leave me tainted
My hope has yet to been taken
I bask in this liberty,
This overwhelming synergy
I won’t let my heart be frightened
To tap in and find enlightenment
I enjoy this divinity,
I’ve welcomed in my dignity

I feel safe and amplified
My joy’s been magnified
Time to breathe and find release
Meditate and demonstrate

This freeing, I’m feeling…
(Ohh, ohh, ohhhh)

I won’t let you leave me tainted
My hope has yet to been taken
I bask in this liberty,
This overwhelming synergy
I won’t let my heart be frightened
To tap in and find enlightenment
I enjoy this divinity,
I’ve welcomed back my dignity

life is full of risks, love is just one them
some are too scared to admit, and take a chance to commit
but I wont let that be me, I won’t let fear rule me
I won't, I, I...

I won’t let you leave me tainted
My hope has yet to been taken
I bask in this liberty,
This overwhelming synergy
I won’t let my heart be frightened
To tap in and find enlightenment
I enjoy this divinity,
I’ve welcomed back my dignity 

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Epiphany


You gave me your full disclosure
It all made sense through exposure
So I took it on as your doctor
A new challenge set out to conquer

But like the wars of today, there is no victor
The only solution was to leave the picture
But I’m one foot in and one foot out
This state of limbo and I’m full of doubt

So here I stand, waiting on your epiphany
Yearning so damn desperately
Time to let go, of this lingering affinity
Praying for some sensibility

I’ve gained back my composure
But do I  want this closure?
I feel that our connection
Would push us in the right direction....

But what I think today, will change tomorrow
Either I’ve moved on, or I’m filled with sorrow

So here I stand, waiting on my epiphany
Yearning so damn desperately
Time to let go, of this lingering affinity
Praying for some sensibility

I closed the door but left the window cracked
Cause deep down I hope you'll come crawling back
But in the mean time I need to move on
To stay strong and withdrawn

So here I stand, waiting for an epiphany
Yearning so damn desperately
Time to let go, of this lingering affinity
Praying for some sensibility
Craving my tranquility

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

In a Few Months


Here we are, in our doubt
You stood up, I pushed back
So I pleaded and insisted
A second chance, gifted

So all of this seems so crazy
What have I, become lately?
I’ve been through much worse than this
So why’s it so hard to call it quits

In just a few months I fell for you
Took just a few weeks to lose myself
In just a few days we bottomed out
Hit the ground, full of doubt

So here we are, full of silence
Kept glued down, blank stare
And I reach out, for your kindness
You gave back, mindless

So why does this seem so insane
All of this so inhumane
I’ve been through much worse than this
So why’s it so hard to call it quits

In just a few months I fell for you
Took just a few weeks to lose myself
In just a few days we bottomed out
Hit the ground, full of doubt

one of these days I’ll stop thinking that you’ll call me
one of these weeks I’ll stop creeping on your facebook
one of these months you’ll be nothing but a fragment
And your heart will change but realize I’m absent
you’ll realize I’m absent

In just a few months I fell for you
Took just a few weeks to lose myself
In just a few days we bottomed out
Hit the ground, full of doubt

In just a few hours it all collapsed
All those months to have it lapsed
In just a few weeks I’ll get over you
Won’t be easy but I’ll get through

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

time


I can’t believe it’s over
My passive aggression took over
We’re finally off this coaster

But I’m drowning in my tears
This grief is what I’ve feared
I’ve worked too hard to be here

Now I’m watching the clock
(It seems frozen)
These feelings I can’t block
(I’m so broken)

and all I need is time, some time
to get me through this funk of mine
I need to look ahead, far ahead
Towards this path of no dead ends
My chin is stuck down, way down
by the thought you won’t be around
I’m praying for that time of mine
to bring me back and realigned

I’m stuck here with this guilt
Pushed too far to be rebuilt
My postures shaky as I wilt

Now I’m watching the clock
(It seems pointless)
These feelings I can’t block
(I’m so hopeless)

and all I need is time, some time
to get me through this funk of mine
I need to look ahead, far ahead
Towards this path of no dead ends
My chin is stuck down, way down
by the thought you won’t be around
I’m praying for that time of mine
to bring me back and realigned

I want to tell you I miss you,
I wanted to say I love you,
but we both know, sadly we know…

and all I need is time, some time
to get me through this funk of mine
I need to look ahead, far ahead
Towards this path of no dead ends
My chin is stuck down, way down
by the thought you won’t be around
I’m praying for that time of mine
to bring me back and realigned

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Accomplice

You stood back and watched it, silent and unnerved
You knew of the agenda, quietly as you served
Your loyalty undeterred, your heart untested
Your morals in jeopardy, the right rejected
  
So you felt cornered but defeated
How you cowered and retreated

You’re an accomplice; you’re just as guilty
Don’t think your hands aren’t just as dirty
You sat in your silence as he grabbed my heart
Ripped it out as you played your part

I was blinded by the trust, naively unstated 
You watched my downfall, with breath baited

So you felt cornered but defeated
How you cowered and retreated

You’re an accomplice; you’re just as guilty
Don’t think your hands aren’t just as dirty
You sat in your silence as he grabbed my heart
Ripped it out as you played your part

I'd never sit back, i'd intervene 
Not just witness the unforeseen

You’re an accomplice; you’re just as guilty
Don’t think your hands aren’t just as dirty
You sat in your silence as he grabbed my heart
Ripped it out as you played your part